Strategies

I am inviting you to a new way of living and relating. It takes discipline, creates great growth, and a much happier and constructive way of living.

I recognize that there can be serious issues, actions that are so serious they need to be addressed first because they place individuals in great harm:

1.    Safety: Everyone needs to be physically safe. If there are any immediate concerns about acting on suicidal ideation, self-harm or harming others, this must be addressed first. I do not provide emergency services. That is what 911 and the ER is for. However, people often harbor dark thoughts, without intent or means to act on them. This is what therapy is designed for.

2.   Addictions are serious and need to be addressed: alcohol, drugs, sex/porn, gambling, eating disorders, etc. Addictions are incredibly destructive to individuals and relationships and must be addressed before other meaningful work can be addressed. Recovery from addictions can be the catalyst for great healing. 

Going Within…The Last Frontier

All therapy is geared toward looking at ourselves.

The work I do, which has developed over the last 40 years, is the simple courageous act of stopping all the rational, analytic thinking and talking. To pause, to breathe, to “go inside.” That is, to get quiet and go deep within to explore our truth. This sounds like hocus-pocus. It actually is the quiet voice within that often has been silenced. As we let our rational/conscious mind get quiet and get very relaxed, we can explore our deeper wisdom, our knowing, our truth.

I am amazed at how many folks are terrified of this invitation. They think that only what they see and know has value. Or they are terrified at what they may find. It actually is quite healing and can offer us insight that our conscious rational mind may not be aware of.

You can try relaxing and going within, in this following simple exercise at home. In individual sessions, we begin in this manner, training the body and mind to activate the parasympathetic nervous system to relax and restore. Then once relaxed, we journey deeper within to examine areas that need to be released or healed.

• Begin by sitting in a quiet space, where you will not be disturbed. Allow yourself some time.

• Let your body relax, get comfortable. I like to sit comfortably in a chair, with my hands in my lap and my legs crossed at the ankles.

• Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

• Allow yourself to notice your breath as you inhale and exhale at your normal rate and rhythm

• As you inhale, allow yourself to become aware of expanding your inhalation. Then allow yourself to expand your exhalation. Make it easy,

• As you breathe, you can begin to use your imagination. Imagine your breath like a wave, gently rocking you with every inhale and exhale, so you become more relaxed, more at peace.

• As you inhale you can imagine you are inhaling not only oxygen but healing oxygen, wonderful life force, expansive possibilities, peace, healing light…whatever you need.

• As you exhale, imagine you are letting go of pain, suffering, sorrow, anger, hurt, whatever no longer serves you….

• Each breath, each exhale, let go of old thoughts, old habits, old hurts, and injuries.

• Each breath, inhale healing, hope, blessings, peace, or whatever feels right to you.

• Allow yourself to be “gentled,” soothed, relaxed, restored by each breath.

• Your imagination or visualization can help to support or intensify the experience. You can be on a beach and the waves gently wash you. You can be standing under a waterfall of light and the rushing water washes you inside and out. Let go of what no longer serves you into this water, this river of life. Let the water take it deep into the abyss of the ocean. You can imagine/visualize whatever feels right to you.

• Continue as long as you’d like.

• When you feel ready to come back to the “here and now,” focus on feeling centered and balanced. Your “consciousness” centered back in your brain, back between your eyes, Feel yourself fully present in the here and now, back centered solidly in the body. Feel solid, relaxed, refreshed, centered, and ready to return to your day.

More Strategies for Self Exploration

Family Mapping

 One technique that can be helpful is to begin by examining your family of origin – the family you grew up in. Drawing out your family as a graph can be helpful. (See below for an example of a genogram.) It is a diagram of your family: parents, siblings, you and your partner, your children. You can add other important members that you live with, animals, extended relatives.

1. Draw out the members of your family and indicate married (_____) or Divorced (__//__) Deceased (X).

2. On the sides of the paper, you can indicate themes: alcohol, addiction, illnesses (cancer), affairs, arrests. Themes can help you see what important issues run in each of your family backgrounds:

3. You can also indicate serious emotional patterns, i.e., dad never talked to his side of the family, etc.

4. This can be a starting point for talking about habits or practices that were common in your family, for example, fights = shouting, slamming doors, OR fights = there were no fights, just the silent treatment. Parenting styles: Shame and blame were common, OR expectations were high OR parents weren’t really present, etc.

5. The idea is to see patterns that you may bring into your current relationship.

TIMELINE

Another technique people find helpful is creating a personal Timeline. Make it a visual, perhaps a line with important events that you think shaped your life. So, for example, the year and a description of what happened, feelings, memories, why this was an important event. Below is just an example to give you a visual. It is creating a visual record of important dates and a description by each, with what happened and why it is important to you. Why it shaped you. (See https://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Timeline)

Understanding the Brain

We are amazing beings. We are complex organisms. Our physical, mental and emotional aspects of ourselves intricately interact in ways we are often not aware.

One fascinating aspect of ourselves is to have a greater understanding of our Autonomic Nervous System. That part of us that responds immediately in ways we are not even aware.

There is so much work being done on Trauma.

I refer you to a myriad of sources for further exploration:

When we are triggered, that is, get angry, hurt, insulted, somehow THREATENED, we are triggering the most PRIMITIVE Aspect of our Brain – Slang term: Our Reptilian Brain – OUR SURVIVAL BRAIN. That ancient part of us that kept our species alive. You have heard of FIGHT, FLIGHT or FREEZE, The Basic, Primitive UNCONSCIOUS Strategies to keep us alive. Trauma Researchers have found that when we feel seriously threatened, 16,000 chemical reactions go off in the body to prepare for attack. THIS IS BEFORE ANY THOUGHT! Our heart rate quickens, our blood pressure goes up, digestion slows, blood rushes to our extremities to prepare for Fight or Flight, etc, etc.

So, when our primitive brain perceives our survival is threatened, this is when we are capable of anything, saying anything, doing anything, striking out, running away, threatening, or just shutting down – freezing.

This is important to know that when our primitive brain believes our survival is threatened, “we” our rational mind is NOT in control. So, when we or our partner react in an unreasonable fashion, often at that time, there is “no reasoning with them”. Our or their behavior is NOT acceptable, nor do we excuse it. There are consequences for our behavior, but at the time of hysteria, anger, emotional reactions – what is needed is a Time Out – a breather to reclaim our ability to think, to gain control.

I have a rule. If someone is screaming in the room, it should not be me. And I don’t want to get pulled into it. Researchers have found that people’s brain waves “sync” - “The rhythms of brainwaves between two people taking part in a conversation begin to match each other” (study carried out by the Basque Centre on Cognition, Brain, and Language (BCBL), recently published in the magazine Scientific Reports. 2017). So, the goal is to resist or NOT SYNC, not get pulled into conflict when your partner has lost it, or frozen.

 The Goal is to stay centered, balanced, calm. How do you do that? By practice, engaging in practices every day that build this focus, center, peace. There is a cornucopia - a smorgasbord of ways: Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual practices to stay centered. Some people get out in nature – run, hike, walk, exercise. Some meditate. Some use affirmations, the clean-up techniques mentioned earlier are great.

 A last word about brains and our autonomic nervous system. Earlier I mentioned our sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is the energizing – alert system. “The sympathetic nervous system directs the body's rapid involuntary response to dangerous or stressful situations. A flash flood of hormones boosts the body's alertness and heart rate, sending extra blood to the muscles.” (Live Science https://www.livescience.com/65446-sympathetic-nervous-system.html#:~:text=The%20sympathetic%20nervous%20system%20directs,extra%20blood%20to%20the%20muscles.)

The parasympathetic nervous system is the opposite. It is responsible for restoring homeostasis. This is the “rest and digest” cycle. It unwinds the work of the sympathetic nervous system after a stressful situation. The challenge is in our stressful life styles – we’re good at go, go, go. We often need to learn and practice putting calming, relaxing, beneficial, restorative practices in place.

BACK TO PRACTICAL

• Sweeten your “self-talk” It is important to look at our thinking. What are we thinking all day long? What is our internal chatter? Are we grumbling about every annoyance? Can we begin to take the reins of those runaway thoughts?

• If your “Thinkin’ is Stinkin’” stop it, hefty bag, don’t dwell on all the wrong or negative aspects of your life, your partner, etc. What good will come of it? Stop the negativity. This takes discipline to not give in, indulge in negative, griping, complaining, criticizing. If your partner, boss, or colleagues are negative, we can’t change them, but we can say to ourselves, “No thank you, that’s not how my life is, my life is good, smooth, joyous, happy”…whatever positive affirmation comes to mine.

• Begin to develop an Attitude of Gratitude. Practice grateful thoughts or positive affirmations: Florence Shoville Shinn, one of the few female “Metaphysical” writers in the early 1900s wrote about the 4 Square: paraphrasing, “I am grateful for my incredible health, prosperity, love, and perfect self-expression” When you become aware of negative thinking, stop the negative and replace with positive thoughts or positive affirmations.

There are tons of positive apps available. “I am” is a free one for your phone. 10 times a day a positive phrase pops up on your phone to remind you of a positive statement.

• Start saying thank you. This can be to the store clerk, your partner, anyone and everyone you come in contact with. Words are powerful. Genuinely noticing the positive, kind acts of others and having the courage to acknowledge them is powerful. Beginning the practice of saying, thank you, I appreciate you, I am grateful for, washes you in loving energy and that spills over your world. Perhaps, make this a practice to share 3 things that you are grateful for at dinner or bedtime…

• Practice all forms of Self-Care. Taking care of oneself can be easily misunderstood and misconstrued as being selfish or self-centered. Clearly, we need balance, the wonderful goal of balanced focus on taking care of ourselves so we are not a burden to anyone and then have the energy to be generous to others.

• What is Self Care? Being nice to yourself. Listening to Yourself. When that quiet voice within whispers something – listen, follow your inner guidance. Understand that yes you are a spiritual being housed in a temporary physical form (Jerry Densow) and you may have some super-powers, but you are also human. You need rest, restoration, recuperation. Balance. You get to have dreams, desires and if you have a partner, negotiate with your partner how some of these dreams and desires can be met.